Good question! We get it a lot. That's why it's here in the Frequently Asked Questions. You'll be happy to know that your goddamn money is safe with American Bank. Open an account and drive into your family's future tomorrow. Because your dreams are like the sun.
I have opened an account. Why can't I access my account balance and other information?
As part of our effort to protect you from the ongoing threat of identity theft, American Bank keeps all your account information private, even from you. How do we know you're really you, and not some unscrupulous hacker? Saving money with American Bank is a sacred trust. You should be able to practice that trust without obsessively checking your balance all the time. Give us your money. And then trust us. Because your dreams are like the sun.
No, seriously, I want my goddamn money. Where the hell is it?
Please visit one of our branches and fill out an Account Information Request Form. One of our associates will assist you in the process of mailing the form to our corporate headquarters and then waiting six to eight weeks. Remember to bring twelve valid forms of photo ID, your complete medical history, and notarized copies of your parents' birth certificates.
Is the Account Information Request Form available in PDF format, and can it be submitted online?
Yes! Because your dreams are like the sun.
Where are American Bank branches located?
As part of our effort to protect ourselves from the ongoing threat of identity theft, we are not in the habit of giving out our address or phone number.
Are American Bank executives using federal bailout money to give themselves bonuses?
Bonuses is the wrong word.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ This hilarious website is a work of satire. Don't really send us all your personal and financial information.