Where is my goddamn money?

Good question! We get it a lot. That's why it's here in the Frequently Asked
Questions. You'll be happy to know that your goddamn money is safe with
American Bank. Open an account and drive into your family's future  
tomorrow. Because your dreams are like the sun.

I have opened an account. Why can't I access my account
balance and other information?

As part of our effort to protect you from the ongoing threat of identity theft,
American Bank keeps all your account information private, even from you.
How do we know you're
really you, and not some unscrupulous hacker?
Saving money with American Bank is a sacred trust. You should be able to
practice that trust without obsessively checking your balance all the time.
Give us your money. And then trust us. Because your dreams are like the
sun.

No, seriously, I want my goddamn money. Where the hell is it?

Please visit one of our branches and fill out an Account Information Request
Form. One of our associates will assist you in the process of mailing the
form to our corporate headquarters and then waiting six to eight weeks.
Remember to bring twelve valid forms of photo ID, your complete medical
history, and notarized copies of your parents' birth certificates.

Is the Account Information Request Form available in PDF
format, and can it be submitted online?

Yes! Because your dreams are like the sun.

Where are American Bank branches located?

As part of our effort to protect ourselves from the ongoing threat of identity
theft, we are not in the habit of giving out our address or phone number.

Are American Bank executives using federal bailout money
to give themselves bonuses?

Bonuses is the wrong word.
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This hilarious website is a work of satire. Don't
really send us all your personal and financial information.