FLOSSING KAFKA
by Bernard Gurk
(None of the dialogue in this play is assigned to specific characters.)
Hello
Hello
Are you having a good day?
Hello
I wonder if I put this in my shoe
I wonder if
Quick, someone, quick, someone, quick, someone, quick, someone, quick, someone,
quick, someone, quick, someone, quick, someone, quick
Quack
But what if the audience is onstage and we are actually watching them?
FIRE!
FIRE!
No, I am serious, this is not part of the script!
We are all going to die in the fire!
Please, I demand that everyone turn on your phones and dial 911 right now, THERE IS
A FIRE!!!!!
FIRE!
FIRE!
Say it with us!
FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
Sex is an ancient ritual. Penis. Vagina. Penis.
My vagina would like a word with you.
I was very young when it happened. The day they marched in, one of the soldiers gave
me a balloon. I still have it. Somewhere.
I think I threw it away.
You threw away the balloon the soldiers gave me the day they marched in?
What's the difference? A balloon is a balloon.
A BALLOON IS A BALLOON.
A BALLOON IS A BALLOON.
A BALLOON IS A BALLOON IS A BALLOON IS A BALLOON.
None of this is actually happening.
Nothing is happening at all.
A complete absence.
Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence.
The soldier who gave me the balloon...his name was Ferdinand.
I know. He was my father.
What's the difference?
Nothing is happening.
FIRE!
(At this point, all of the actors recite the preceding dialogue four more times,
with their backs to the audience. The fourth time, they are lying on their
stomachs in complete darkness. When the lights come up, all the actors are gone,
and there is a cactus in the middle of the stage. After fifteen minutes of watching
the cactus, the lights slowly fade.)
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen.
Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen.
How do you know that seventeen will be next?
I don't. But I trust you.
I wish I could be a real ballerina. And dance around.
Excuse me?
I said, I wish I could be a real ballerina! And dance around.
Around?
Yes. Around.
You want to dance around?
Yes, I want to dance around. Like a real ballerina.
I'm tired of this. Let's play a game.
Is everything a game to you?
Seventeen.
SCENE THREE
(The house lights come up and an actor we haven't seen yet enters.)
Well, that was the show, everybody. Hope you enjoyed it. You can go home now.
(The actor leaves. Nothing happens at all until the audience finally starts to
stand up to leave the theatre, then another actor comes rushing out.)
No, no, that person was lying! There's more.
Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty. Twenty-one. Twenty-two. Twenty-three. Twenty-four.
Twenty-five. Twenty-six. Twenty-seven. Twenty-eight. Twenty-nine. Thirty. Thirty-
one. Thirty-two. Thirty-three. Thirty-four. Thirty-five. Thirty-six.
How do you know that thirty-seven will be next?
I don't. But I trust you.
I wish I could be a real ballerina. And dance around.
Excuse me?
I said, I wish I could be a real ballerina! And dance around.
Around?
Yes. Around.
You want to dance around?
Yes, I want to dance around. Like a real ballerina.
I wonder
I wonder if
I wonder if I
I wonder if I have
I wonder if I have any
I wonder if I have any potato
I wonder if I have any potato chips
I wonder if I have any potato chips preferably
I wonder if I have any potato chips preferably salt
I wonder if I have any potato chips preferably salt and
I wonder if I have any potato chips preferably salt and vinegar
I wonder if I have any potato chips preferably salt and vinegar but
I wonder if I have any potato chips preferably salt and vinegar but also
I wonder if I have any potato chips preferably salt and vinegar but also barbecue
I wonder if I have any potato chips preferably salt and vinegar but also barbecue sounds
I wonder if I have any potato chips preferably salt and vinegar but also barbecue sounds
really
I wonder if I have any potato chips preferably salt and vinegar but also barbecue sounds
really good
I wonder if I have any potato chips preferably salt and vinegar but also barbecue sounds
really good and
I wonder if I have any potato chips preferably salt and vinegar but also barbecue sounds
really good and so
I wonder if I have any potato chips preferably salt and vinegar but also barbecue sounds
really good and so does
I'm tired of this. Let's play a game.
Is everything a game to you?
Thirty-seven.
SCENE FOUR
(Scene Four is the same as Scene One again, only everyone is covered in yellow
sheets, and the scene is performed in German.)
Looking for someone?
No, are you?
I never look anymore.
I am literally drowning in blood.
What will I say to Mother?
You can always tell her you were flossing Kafka.
Flossing Kafka
Flossing Kafka
Flossing. Flossing.
Kafka. Kafka.
Words are meaningless.
Yes, they are.
Chicken. Toothpaste. Abutment.
Meaningless.
Whimsy. Parking. Mushroom.
Wholly without meaning.
Ballerina.
And dance around.
And dance around.
Flossing Kafka
Flossing Kafka
Speak.
Don't move.
(Nobody moves. If anyone in the audience tries to get up, the actors point at the
audience member and slowly get naked.)
SCENE SIX
Well, here we are.
Like last time.
Like the time before that.
Don't forget to call Gina and ask her about possible advance for intro.
Is it hot in here?
No
No
It is not.
Not really.
La de da, la de da
This is my worst nightmare: I'm riding a pony, and suddenly I'm --
Flossing Kafka?
Flossing Kafka
Flossing Kafka
Speak.
Holy shit, that's a nice car. What did you pay for it?
Reason is the shackles of the heart/mind.
I wasn't trying to make you feel stupid.
But I felt stupid anyway.
Looks like I almost have enough for another play now.
Flossing Kafka
Flossing Kafka
Flossing Kafka
Flossing Kafka
There.